1. You walk into a bar and the bartender refuses to serve you because you are associated with fascism. What is your response:

A. Punching the bartender in the face and calling it art. This should be filmed for your next YouTube video on the aesthetics of decaying modernity.

B. Walking out of the bar and taking it like a big boy. Any response would be a contribution to the sick liberal conquest for justice.

C. Threatening the bartender with a bad Yelp review for their discrimination policies against minority political groups.

D. I don’t go to bars. Those places are full of hipster swine. If I wanted hipster swine I would go to one of your stupid transhumanist festivals.

2. Your friends are discussing social justice. They ask you about your opinion on equal rights for asexual otherkin. You reply by:

A. Getting into a long rant about how “equal rights” are meaningless and how “asexual otherkin” stopped being cool when you signed the constitution with your iron fist. (and then burnt it with your superior mind because it was too current for you)

B. Crying about the death of tradition. Can’t your friends see that asexual otherkin are about as meaningful as a poem written by a random phrase generator? Why do people believe in nonsense instead of religion?

C. Explaining that asexual otherkin are beyond equal rights. Asexual otherkin invented equal rights!

D. I don’t have any friends. Friends are for populists who don’t understand what it’s like to be a soldier fighting alone in this war against the tyranny of equality.

3. Your cousin needs help with her latest Kickstarter project, which is somehow related to 3D printed cruelty-free sci-fi action figures. You react by:

A. Telling your cousin that she is a whore, and laughing at the fact that she’d ask you, of all people, to donate to her stupid project. Hasn’t she seen your red pill blog?

B. Asking your cousin why she is so intent on destroying civilization. This is what happens when gay people are allowed to get married. Later you donate because she is family and family = roots.

C. Donating your money to her, obviously. Those action figures are a gateway to the neoreaction. If only your cousin saw the irony and knew what team she was actually playing for.

D. Vomiting on your computer. Maybe one day your cousin will 3D print herself out of existence and quit shaming her bloodline.

4. You receive an email from George Soros asking you for donations. You:

A. Tell everyone on Twitter that George Soros is stalking you. While this is not actually true, the notion of George Soros stalking you is fucking hilarious, and sure to win you status points.

B. Create a new email address. You have better things to do than get involved in Soros drama. Like reading the Drudge Report, for example.

C. Reply back with a troll about how you are actually George Soros and that the donations should go to you instead.

D. George Soros would never email me. What the hell is wrong with you, Rachel? I know that you are a Jewish liberal trying to mess things up for us. I bet that you and George Soros are friends!

The Results

Mostly A’s: You are a neoreactionary scenester. You follow the latest neoreaction fads, and know exactly how to piss off those damn liberals. You are the hit of the neoreactionary party, and anyone who doesn’t know your name is probably a leftist.

Mostly B’s: You are a whiny conservative flirting with neoreaction. You think you are a neoreactionary, but you are actually just a whiny conservative trying desperately to remain relevant. It is not working out for you.

Mostly C’s: You are an open-minded hipster with neoreactionary friends. Don’t feel bad that you aren’t a true neoreactionary. People have black friends, gay friends, and neoreactionary friends. It’s cool, dude. You don’t need to check your privilege.

Mostly D’s: You are a neoreactionary hate machine. Congrats! You can vibe with conspiracy theorists, racial separatists, religious fundamentalists, male rights activists, and neoreactionary scenesters alike. You are probably a shitty person, but in this world of forced kindness, who doesn’t need a little brutality?