From media to politics to consumer technology, here at Trigger Warning you can count on us to have the next year covered before it really begins.
1. Old media will attempt to place a ban on podcasts and cite them as enabling hate groups.
2. New jobs will be created for the mere purpose of grooming people to get on Joe Rogan.
3. A number will give birth.
4. Fascist transsexuals will develop a new internet.
5. Robots will fight against climate change.
6. Teenage sex workers will mobilize on Twitter. Any and all who oppose them will be canceled. Do not fuck with teenage sex workers, you hear? #TeenSexWorkisWork
7. Elon Musk will get a strange genital piercing that has infinite cybernetic capacities.
8. Uber or Lyft will partner with Instagram. You will be required to take juvenile and humiliating selfies with your driver to “prove yourself a fun passenger.”
9. Netflix will launch a show called Roko’s Modern Basilisk in an attempt to appeal to Bay Area rationalists. The actual audience of the show will just be Rick and Morty fans.
10. A female incel will shoot up a university and quote the musical Cats.
11. Various members of the Church of Satan will splinter into Catholic Fundamentalists and start talking about how cool the crusades were.
12. A famous YouTube star will commit suicide after being chased offline for being insufficiently woke. Their suicide will turn into a way for Turning Point USA to make money.
13. China will colonize Berkeley, California. (officially this time)
14. Mike Bloomberg will use his campaign money to invite Joe Biden to a secret island where they will begin writing a collaborative genre fiction story on werewolves.
15. Oprah will be transported to Mars on a giant holographic yoga mat. The “launch” will be mandatory viewing in classrooms.
16. There will be a “Girls of the Anti-Woke Left” calendar, and it will feature twelve girls that absolutely nobody has heard of, courtesy of VICE.
17. The Proud Boys will develop their own undergarment line.
18. The New York Times will hold a cryptocurrency conference in a last-ditch attempt to stay relevant. Only drug dealers with fake media passes will attend.
19. Flying cars will be accompanied by chakra healing kits in the glove compartments.
20. Google will begin hiring very young boys in Iran.
Rachel Haywire is the Founder of Trigger Warning and your hostess for the new insurrection. She is a futurist, author, musician, and CEO of Avant Design. Currently, she is running for President of the United States as an independent candidate.